changing my mind

For the last month or so I've taken a break from teaching yoga to the teens in the substance abuse treatment program in the juvenile jail where I also work as the school social worker. I was losing interest in teaching yoga where there was resistance and disruption, and there was a lot of resistance and disruption. Pretty much every class. I was spending more time trying to maintain a level of compliance with basic facility rules and keeping the insults and name calling at bay than I was teaching yoga. Compared to my home studio classes, which are positive and energizing, the classes at work were dread filling and demoralizing. It seemed to me that only a few of the kids really liked the classes, and the kids who didn't made it miserable for everyone else. I tried lots of different approaches and plans to increase engagement, but it wasn't improving. It just got too challenging, and, worse, it started to make me feel badly about yoga.

On a deep level I felt ashamed that I couldn't figure out how to engage the uninterested kids, so I did what I usually do when I am unwilling to explore something painful. I took an all-or-nothing approach and just avoided the issue by not teaching any yoga to any of the kids. Over the last month, a few of the kids have occasionally asked about yoga class, but I didn't have the energy (likely based on my unwillingness to look more closely at what was coming up for me) to discuss it much more than saying I was taking a break from teaching.

Then, yesterday, something interesting happened. I was subbing in math class with the kids in my yoga class, and a kid who had just returned to our facility after a few months away asked me if we were still doing yoga. Half the class chimed in with a chorus of, "yeah, we want yoga back", and "why aren't we doing yoga anymore?" Suddenly the time seemed right for me to get honest, and tell the kids that I loved teaching yoga too much to associate it with dread and unhappiness. After some conversation about how they felt, and what they wanted, I asked the group if I offered class again, how many would be interested if it was an option. All but one said they would.

A few things have changed in the last month. A couple of really negative kids left, and a few new kids have come in to our program. The energy of the group feels more positive and functional than it has in the past. More importantly though, something in the discussion yesterday allowed me to delve into my feelings, share them with the group, and make a new plan. I gave myself permission to change my mind, and trust that it could be ok.

This morning I taught yoga class to the group for the first time in over a month. It was a good class. Nothing spectacular--no amazing transformations, blissed out prana energy, or deep meditation. But it was good enough! Plenty good enough for me.